GOLDIEGIRL8

oh, yea 1 more thing: when ur sad, another thing u can do is rub the inside of ur arm.

marius

GOLDIEGIRL8, I've not heard of rubbing the inside of your arm for sadness. Where on the inside of your arm? The whole arm? The top part, the bottom part?

My Alternative Medicine doctor said if you are sad it can help to 'open up your armpits.' She said, "It's hard to feel depressed if your armpits are wide open. Also - raise your right arm and tap in the right armpit with your left hand, and then reverse it. Tee hee - I actually do this and it does seem to life the spirits - kind of feels like it brings energy to you.

chelydra

All these cool techniques for feeling better may help, but if they don't, don't blame yourself.

A month or two after an unusually shocking and miserable death in my family (not only family but also best friend I ever had or will have), I realized I wasn't feeling what I'd heard I was supposed to feel. So, as people do these days, I looked to the internet to find my way, googling up the '12 stages (or was it 8?) of grief'. First I found the author of theory saying it never goes according to plan, not all stages come and when they do it's not in any set sequence. That helped slightly. Then I found someone else's commentary that has turned out to be hugely helpful. Here's what she said:

There are some deaths (she suggested 3 categories and I was dealing with all 3 at once) that are so horrible that normal grieving never happens at all, and nothing that's supposed to help does help. Talking about it with others doesn't help. The passage of time doesn't help. You're all alone with it forever, and time stays frozen on that day it happened. Antidepressants and such just make things worse, and don't bother with therapy. (Although you sound like therapy might be VERY helpful for reinforcing your own strong will to deal with current relationships, it probably won't help the mourning process.) When I read this, it almost cheered me up, oddly enough. I guess I felt if someone else could describe exactly what I'd been experiencing, it meant I was still a member of the human race, here on this earth, not lost in outer space after all. Now, after a couple of years, I still feel that death happened 2 seconds ago, and every day it comes as a fresh shock. But it's like an amputee's phantom limb pain, you just learn to live with it, even if you can't ever get used to it.

When you understand this, you no longer have to feel bad about feeling bad. But I'm not sure your experience was like mine — it sounds like communicating with others is helping somewhat, and as if letting those bottled-up tears flow freely at last is exactly what you need.

I grew up in a home with bottled-up grief I didn't even know was there until I was an adult and my parents opened up with me, reluctantly (and separately), about the dark shadows falling over their own early lives. These experiences were never spoken of until then. I had absolutely no idea their inner grief even existed, but was still raw, and it explained a lot.

I too was an 'accident' birth, but the opposite kind, late in life, with parents seemingly happy and prosperous, home life stable as a rock, both parents having plenty of good friends and senses of humor. And yet we kids all grew up somewhat troubled, and there were odd things about the household, like rigid routines, mountains of junks heaped up all over, collecting mania out of control (they had to keep building new rooms to house the collections). Sadness and anger were never expressed in healthy, open ways - any hint of either always struck me as creepy and distressing. I eventually figured out what would be obvious any outsider — that all this hoarding rubbish and acquiring collections was their way of trying to plug the holes in their hearts, to fill up their inner emptiness. And of course, I have huge collections and heaps of rubbish myself, because understanding it doesn't make it go away. The point is, bottled-up grief can keep on doing damage even seventy or eighty years later.

Bottled up anger is maybe worse than bottled up grief. I knew a nice old man who suddenly started thinking about how badly his sister had treated him way back. For about a week, he couldn't stop thinking about it, all the anger he'd never let himself feel was growing into a raging thunderstorm in his elderly nervous system. At the end of that week, he died, either just before or just after falling down the stairs in the New York subway.

So the moral of these stories is: NEVER bottle it all up. You SEEM to know that already, but make sure you REALLY know it, and don't try to forget it. When things ferment inside bottles, bottles leak or even explode from the pressure. My parents had slow leaks. Uncle Abie had an explosion. And what's been fermenting for a lifetime is more likely toxic, bitter vinegar than fine wine.

You're on the right track. At first I thought your original message here was weird and inappropriate. But you're among friends here, and you did exactly the right thing, since it sounds like the 'real people' in your life aren't very good listeners. And I feel like I'm learning from you too.

Dragon

chelydra's right. The problem with bottling up your feelings is that you never work through them and by the time you just can't keep them under wraps it just as bad if not worse for having sat so long, and it's harder to deal with because you think - it's been so long, this shouldn't be bothering me anymore.

Qsilv

chelydra... clear, comprehensive, kind... you're a peach.

chelydra

Q: Congrats on your story winning, richly deserved.
Q again: With my eyesight thinkdrawn-out, I read that as "you preach" — Cut to 1970: Fellow art student looks long and hard at my work, finally pronounces his judgment. "You know, you shouldn't try to paint. You should be a preacher." (I had barely spoken to him, so he was referring to what was in the art.)

Potato: When I read your first message through slowly for the first time I didn't notice your writing style at all because I was wrapped up in the content — which is a surefire sign of an excellent stylist at work. Re-reading, I did notice. Turn all this into a short novel! Maybe tell it from kid sister's point of viewso as to get a bit of perspective & distance (she'll have plenty to say about you but the reader will see through her bratty disdain and guess what's really going on). This sounds unforgivably crass, but judging from what's been on bestseller lists lately, the sky's the limit! Well actually, if you'll don't have the traumas accompanying premature fame and fortune to add to your burdens (and give you material for your next book), you'll at least have the usual mound of rejection letters to snuggle under on cold nights next winter.

Dragon

You know I've always found writing very therapeutic. That's a great suggestion chelydra. Even if Taters only writes it for herself and for no one else to read just the act of writing everything out and expressing feelings on an empty page can really help you work things through. Being able to read through it later can remind you of how far you've come in healing and what you were going through years later.

Ash12

Tatertot im sorry to hear what your going through. Im fixing to turn 12 and I have never experienced all the loss that you have but my parents are divorced like yours. My parents have never faught like that,but its hard for my sister and I because my dad far away. My mom gets mad at my dad sometimes. She gets mad at him because she thinks he's not very responsible from time to time. I also fight with my sis often because she messes with me alot and she dosn't give me any space. My mom says its because she wants to be like me.
Sometimes I feel like I dont belong,and I also used to have a boyfriend (that drove my mom CRAZY! And I mean crazy)he moved and went to another school
My best friend also moved and went to another school:(
Sometimes I cry my self to sleep because my dad and the rest of my family lives far away to,sometimes I feel like we are all alone here and my mom has to do it all her self.
Being young is hard,growing up is hard to. Being girls we have to go through changes (if you know what I mean).And it makes us emotional.
All I can say is talk to your parents tell them whats wrong,I talk to my mom when theres something botherin me. And she allways makes me talk about how I feel even when I dont want to.
I also want you to know I care. Your T.D friend Ash12

spam

Chelydra what insight you have and Dragon also think your idea sounds very good and well worth trying out Potato but what is so lovely is that Ash12 a younger (sorry ladies) member of TD has found the heart to reach out and not only share her thoughts but try to help - I applaud you both. Potato try to keep smiling and share your feelings and talk/write.

Ash12

Thanks spam thats so sweet what you said about me.

potatoesoftheworld

God... i hate puberty...

potatoesoftheworld

:P

potatoesoftheworld

Pimples are awesome!!! NOT!

Great... i get that topped onto everything else.
Plus... we do these stupid tests in PE and apparently i am overweight and the slowest kid in my gym class on top of all the crap in my life.

sheftali52

Tater, sorry you're feeling blue. Puberty does stink at times, but the good news is that it too does pass. Pimples come and go, but the beautiful you is still there. I also struggled in gym class years ago, but in the long run, it didn't matter. I think I turned out okay, and I believe you will, too.

chelydra

Tater dear,
It looks like time to decide if you are doing a cri de couer (cry from the heart in froggish) or developing a schtik (not sure of spelling - it's yiddish for a routine, as in show biz but can be a routine you regularly perform in real life). I do think you had a heart-cry here, a good one, and it probably did all of us good too. Maybe that experience, and the very positive feedback from assorted readers, can give you the strength to deal with puberty and pimples and gym, which pretty much everyone finds troublesome. Troublesome is irritating but basically funny because we're all in the same boat (or have been, or will be). It is not tragic. Besides it's the fat pimply slow ones who by twenty are the most magnetic/charismatic, and that lasts longer than your rivals' lithe bodies and luminous skin, in fact it lasts into old age.

chelydra

What I meant was, watch out you don't end up with a cri de loupe. Then when you do need emotional support for your internet fans again for real, as you might, they'll have moved on. (A cri de loupe is like a schtik-shreik only worse. Look it up if you don't believe me.)

PS: I wasn't kidding about your ability as a writer. You could write a classic novella right now if you put you mind to it and your heart into it. You are really good.

chelydra

(typo) ...FROM your internet fans...

Ash12

Its ok potato my doctor says im over weight for my age plus im also the slowest in my class. Im not over weight by looks just by my doctors opinion. Im pretty short.Im exactly 4feet and 7inches tall:(
Every bodys got problems but every ones special in there own way.:)
I hope you feel better soon.

GOLDIEGIRL8

Taters, Ash12 said something pretty good. Ur special, and remember that.

Shanley

Ash12, Taters...don't know if it's of any comfort to you, but all adults have gone through most of the phases you are talking about. Growing up is more about learning to control emotions and feelings and sometimes that's really no fun at all. Especially when you're sad and have to be professional about something. So my advice to you is to enjoy the privillege of showing how you feel. It helps, it really does, just don't go to extremes. And one more thing: we are all different, nobody's perfect. To be perfect, respected and loved is no big deal, to be yourself with million of faults and yet have people who offer you love and support, that's what makes a normal person become special.